Board Thread:Warhammer 40k Roleplay/@comment-24821739-20140419184106/@comment-24821739-20140513065405

Sanguinior wrote: I hope nobody minds this...

Draven was selected amongside many others aspirants for trials to become a Space Marine. After all tests and trials he came up first, among all other aspirants. Many Space Marines were suprised by results of his trials. After the necesary gene-seed implantation, he was seconded to one scout squad where he was recognised for his tracking and hunting skills.

His first deed that was commended was when he and his squad were droped close to large ork settlment, tasked to eliminate an ork warboss. '''It was a success. Draven, discovered by the warboss, proceeded to decapitate the giant before it could retaliate utilizing a Ork War-Axe. After that he was promoted to an''' assault squad under Sargent Engelicus.He has lead them trough many battles and almost all of his squad survived trough that until...

It was on a world under huge attack by orks and the PDF forces in a city were barely holding on before the arrival of few squads of Space Marines. It was all going well until almost two thirds of marines were killed by few ork kommandos. Altough Draven and his squad have killed them the deed has been done. After that they (Deleted have) formed a large squad of the remaining warriors.

At the gate of the city is where they would make their last stand. As the battle progressed they held for whole night but at the dawn the attack was just''' going badly. Minutes passed by slowly, and it was clear they would be over-run. '''After some time some battle brothers had gone completely insane as the Black Rage has overcame them. They rushed into a middle of an ork horde but soon were killed by sheer '''weight of numbers. '''Engelicus seeing this urged Draven and few others to leave this place so they can survive.

All of them denied the order, "If we are going to die we are going at least die fighting..."

And so the squad has continued to their last breath. As more time passed only Draven and Englicus survived. Engelicus was greviously by three nobs attacking him. Draven seeing this immediately rushed to him and in his way beheading all three of the nobs.

"Draven....please get of here..." those were his last words.

That day Draven shed his first tear and vowed to never again let his commrads die in vain, and that this was his first and last tear. After that he grabbed a nearby Heavy bolter from a fallen guardsmen and simply pulled the trigger. Bodies were falling before him as his face full of tears and rage was firing. As the last bullet went flying he was starting to collapse. The sky blazed as if on fire as dozens upon dozens Drop pods pierced clouds, and horde was stopped by intense bombardment.

His last sight was Chapter Master Dante alongside many other assault marines flying over him before he collapsed.

After few days of treatment he secluded him-self from the rest of his Chapter until he realised that if he stayed in seclusion, all their deaths will be for naught. Recieving permission to have their dog tags, he placed them in his hand, swearing that he will kill the ork responsible for their deaths. With every battle since, every time they encounterd orks it was as if he was possesed by black rage. '''However, it is actually his memories of his falled brothers that have been guiding him. '''

I hope it was good and all of you liked it...And of course tell what could be added to make it better i'm always opend to new ideas :D I corrected the above. Note the spacing and the new punctuation.

I bolded all the changes I made, I think.

The correct placement of spacing can lead the reader to have momentary pauses, which builds suspension, and increases the overall value and professionalism of the article.